What’s one thing you dream about doing or having but for some reason, you’re afraid to go after it? Something keeps holding you back.
New clients? Public speaking? Moving to a new town or city? Making more money? A new relationship? Better health or fitness?
What is it for you?
Choose one thing and be specific.
Grab your notebook or journal. Take a moment and write down all the reasons, excuses or negative thoughts you’re telling yourself as to why you can’t have it, it’s not working, or it’s not available to you.
For me, one thing I dreamed of was creating a successful business. Something that was holding me back was a fear of doing video.
My reasons/excuses/negative self-talk were: I’m too shy. I can NEVER do public speaking in any format. I don’t want people looking at me. Video is not for me. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
Can you see how each of those statements comes from a place of fear?
Your turn…
What are your negative thoughts, beliefs and excuses around something you (secretly) would like to do?
Once you have your list, see if you can figure out where your fear originated. Where did the message(s) come from? Whose voice is it? When did you decide to agree with it?
Here’s an example from my life:
I was a very shy, quiet, soft-spoken child. As I grew, I never wanted to be the centre of attention. I questioned any advice I gave, always dreading it was wrong and was leading the person astray. And I HATED public speaking. Then I thought back… I wasn’t always shy. So what happened? When did that start?
When I drilled down, I remembered a time in Kindergarten – my first day I think. I hadn’t heard the teacher’s instructions and I told my table-mates that we were to colour every picture in the booklet we had been given. In fact, we’d been told to colour only one picture. When the teacher approached our table, she asked, “Who told you to colour all the pictures?” Seven chubby forefingers pointed right at me. To which she replied, “Don’t listen to Carolin. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” Then she promptly collected our booklets and threw them away. I had gotten my entire group in trouble and because of me, we were all punished.
In that moment, I must have made an unconscious vow to stay quiet. I must have assumed that because she was an adult, she must be right (in this and all circumstances): I mustn’t know what I’m talking about and people shouldn’t listen to me. And as for being the centre of attention? I realized I had developed and internalized a belief that if a group of people are all looking at me then I must have done something very wrong.
Once I drilled it down to that incident, I could see that my shyness came as a result of my ego trying to protect me in the big scary world outside my home. My ego didn’t ever want me to be in a similar situation. “Stay quiet and in the background and you’ll be safe,” was its life-long motto programmed into my psyche.
The Laws by which you live:
Your ego’s job is to keep you safe. It sends you warning signals of all impending danger, real and imagined. (It can’t tell the difference.)
Your ego wants so much to protect you that it creates laws by which you live your life, generally without you ever realizing the laws exists. “Never speak up in case you’re wrong” was a law my ego created in that moment in Kindergarten and “shy” became the label I spent my life living up to.
The thing is, most of the laws your ego created were written when you were very young; while you were trying to make sense of the world around you. Yet as an adult, you’re still living by those laws, believing it’s who you really are.
Once you can zero in on the moment you chose to agree with this message and created a (usually unconscious) belief around it, CHALLENGE IT.
Look for the truth:
When you look at the truth of the situation around when the ‘law’ was created—including your inner truth (what you know to be true for you; the YOU only you know)—you can shift your awareness and therefore change your outer experience.
If your law was created because of something someone said or did, what was or could have been happening in their life that they felt that way? (This is not meant to excuse them, but simply to help bring further awareness to you.) Is what they said the truth? Really? Reeeally??
Why did you choose to believe it?
What’s the truth for you now or what can be the truth for you? You’re an adult now. You get to choose what to believe.
In my example: Is it true that people shouldn’t listen to me? No. That’s not true for anyone. Everyone has a right for their opinion to be heard. Besides, I often do have something to say that many people are interested in hearing regardless of whether I share it in verbal or written form.
How to rewrite the law:
Once you have a sense of why your ego created a law to keep you safe you can rewrite the law.
Note: You can rewrite the law without knowing the source but, for me, it feels more complete if I can find the source. It feels like I’m pulling a weed out by the root. However, if you can’t easily find the source, don’t dwell there or let that stop you from rewriting the law. The rewrite is the most important part.
Rewrite the law with gratitude, appreciation, acceptance and desire for better.
Here’s how I rewrote my law:
I thanked my little six-year-old self for doing a great job of keeping me safe. I appreciated all I learned because of my “shyness law.” How had it served me? How had I grown? Then I invited her to come along on this next chapter where together we’re going to step into the spotlight more and more.
Flip the Script:
A belief is nothing more than a thought you keep thinking. Choose a new thought and start believing that.
In order to write and more easily believe the new law, flip the script. Take your negative thought or belief and create an empowering positive thought.
For me, my previous negative thought would have been: I can’t do video in my business. I’m shy and I don’t want people looking at me. AND I can never do public speaking. That’s not for me. (Imagine trying to create a business with a belief like that?! No wonder I struggled so much when I started!)
Flipping it, I now tell myself: I have valuable knowledge and skills that people are excited for me to share. Writing, video and connecting in person are a few ways I get to do that.
See how this comes from a place of strength, joy and positive action? Plus it comes from a desire to share and help others.
The shift is from being caught up in the inward turmoil of fear to looking outward at how you can be in service.
Ongoing process:
You can make big strides simply by recognizing why an egoic law was created. It can shift your awareness so you can create a new law or belief.
However you’ve spent most of your life living by these subconscious laws. Any time you’re ready to up-level or step outside your comfort zone, the same fear will likely come up again. The more you work through it, the less hold your fear will have.
It takes time for your ego to stand down. Recognize the fear: Ah, you again! Look at the truth of the fear as it stands now and ask yourself what you can do to ease the fear.
I like to play the “What if” game. I ask myself, What if that happens; what will I do? Once I have a game plan for all the things my ego is afraid will go wrong, my fear eases.
Now whenever I want to venture out into new and exciting territory and fear starts to take hold, I acknowledge the fear, reassure my six-year-old self that I know what I’m doing and we’re perfectly safe then I invite her along. I picture us holding hands as she skips along beside me, trusting (and relieved) that the adult Me is now in charge.
Your turn:
- What’s something you’d really like to do/have/be but fear is holding you back? Write: If it weren’t for fear, I would…
- What are the negative messages you tell yourself when something holds you back from doing something you’d like to do?
- Where did that message originate? Really drill down to find the core of where this started.
- What belief/vow did you create because of that experience? This is generally a belief or vow you unconsciously created to keep yourself “safe”.
- Flip the script to something true and empowering. Create an affirmation in the present tense written as though you have and believe this now.
- Repeat your affirmation over and over until it becomes your new belief.
Until you bust through these negative core beliefs, no amount of effort or business building formulas will help you reach the level of fulfillment and success you’ve dreamed of.
Instead, you’ll continually hit a wall and think you’re not good enough. You Are Good Enough! MORE than good enough!
You are Brilliant. Special. Valuable. Unique. And ooooh so needed, right here, right now.
You’re exactly where you’re meant to be, doing and learning exactly what you’re meant to be doing and learning.
You’re on your hero’s journey and these are just some of the dragons you need to slay on the road to happiness.
If you want help conquering the fear that keeps you playing small, this is some of what we’ll be working on in the Say Yes to You Mastermind which begins January 2021. I’m now accepting applications. There are only six places being offered. For more information, Click Here.
